


When I Remember You

by immopengu



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Kalex, Kalex Week 2019, belated kalex week 2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-27
Updated: 2019-11-27
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:27:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21579127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/immopengu/pseuds/immopengu
Summary: Alex remembers Kara.
Relationships: Alex Danvers/Kara Danvers
Comments: 10
Kudos: 165
Collections: Kalex Appreciation Week 2019





	When I Remember You

**Author's Note:**

> I’m not really sure what Meta is lol. So… I’m hoping I got it? If not I hope it’s a good read anyways. Cheers, guys! Happy belated kalex week!

So she had had her memories altered.

No biggie.

And now she remembered. She remembered.

She remembered when she remembered, before the mind wipe.

She remembered… during the mind wipe.

And she remembers now. And all of these memories together were… fucking her up. Her relationship with Kara was already difficult to begin with and had required them to work through all their fucking issues. All of it from when Kara first landed and Alex had to make room for Kara in her home, in the time she shared with her parents, in her bathroom counter space, and in her heart.

The thing about getting her memories back was that they seemed to come back fresh as the day they were made, every time she declined to eat something Kara would like because she wanted to give it to Kara, every time she allowed herself to lean into the comfort of having Kara so dependant on her, every time Kara drove her crazy. 

“I just came back from a world where you didn’t know who I was, I’m not doing that again.”

Kara had sounded so broken.

Alex remembered everything. Could feel her heart break over and over again. Equally she could feel it mend miraculously, fill her heart to bursting with how much Kara loved her, remembered the slide of Kara’s hand down her back, possessive and protective, pulling Alex in close. Kara’s voice in her ear as another memory blew through her mind, like it had happened a second ago.

“I want you to have a good life, I want you to find love and be happy. I want you to do all the things that you being my sister kept you from doing.”

Alex’s heart broke, she could feel the tears, couldn’t stop the sob ripping from her throat. Kara was going to die. Kara was going to die. Kara was going to die and Alex couldn’t save her. But here. Here, she remembered J’onn’s hand at her temple, obliterating the part of Kara that was Supergirl in Alex’s mind, sending her adrift from the anchor of her relationship with Kara as a whole.

“Everything’s going to be okay.”

Alex had promised. It would keep Kara safe. It would keep her safe, and that was all that mattered. And everything would be okay. And she could see the red heat of red Kryptonite pouring off Kara’s face, so close to her own. Saw the snarl on her lips and the fury in Kara’s eyes. Memory after memory, a touch to her brow… a laugh, low in her ear. Whispered words at night as Kara sneaked into her bed and talked about the stars… 

“When you feel powerless enough, you will do anything it takes to feel strong.”

“I can understand that.”

“Really? How?”

And then Alex remembered thinking. She had thought… Alex had looked at aliens and thought… ALIENS. Alien. Not of this planet. Not of this world. Strange creatures that land on this world. Threats. Not people, threats. Memory after memory swept through her. She had to protect Kara from these monsters. These monsters like Supergirl.

Even if Supergirl looked super hot. And Alex felt mortified when she remembered daydreams of Supergirl angrily pushing her up against a wall or Alex bending the Girl of Steel over a table in a show of dominance… The heat of her need, with Kara pressed so close to her made her want to die, but made her want to pull Kara close.

“Alex?” Kara’s face, beet red, told Alex that Kara could probably guess or smell her arousal. It was almost a relief when the memory of Alura Zor-El’s hologram banished that embarrassing recollection.

“I’m sure that you would’ve hoped that she would find people who would take care of her. Who would’ve loved her as if they were her own? I did.”

Alex almost staggered under the strength of the conviction she felt. Kara was hers. HERS. Kara was hers, and that was it, full stop, end of story. Kara… Kara was her heart, wandering around in the world and she’s on her own, and Alex couldn’t protect her.

“No, no, nononono…” Alex felt like her world had stopped. She felt her whole body revolting at the idea of Kara lying so still in the dirt, Alex’s stomach felt like it was inside out, her lungs didn’t seem to be working. No no no no no no no.

NO.

NO!

Kara lay there, unmoving, not breathing. And Alex, Alex like an idiot ripped grass from the ground, stuffed it into Kara’s hand, making her limp fingers close around the damp grass. 

“You can’t go now. Kara, YOU CAN’T GO!”

"Alex…” A hand on her shoulder, a worried face in front of her.

“I either come back with my sister, or I don’t come back at all.”

“Alex. Alex, please, you’re starting to scare me.” Kara’s face washed away these memories, the hopelessness of Black Mercy and seeing how Kara’s perfect world didn’t include Alex. But Kara was here now. She was here. Kara was here and Alex was here. They were okay.

Safe in their apartment, wrapped up together in a blanket on their couch, nobody else allowed into their space.

“I almost lost you.” Alex struggled through the memories bouncing around in her brain. She’s… she’s said that before. How many times had she almost lost the piece of her heart? J’onn said it would take some time for all the connections to come back. He had told her it was a wonder this hadn’t crippled her. It HAD crippled her. The weight of everything was strangling her, she couldn’t cope. She had put Kara in danger. She had hurt her immeasurably again.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Her body jerked in tiny seizures, her brain slotting all the memories back in place, sometimes violently, her heart hammering in her chest.

“Look at me, Alex.” Kara forced Alex to look at her. Kara’s eyes were blue. They were blue like the sky, blue like the sun on the ocean, blue like the colour that looked best on Kara. Blue like that stupid song Kara would sing over and over again that summer when she heard it that one time.

“I’m safe. And I’m here. And I won’t let anything happen to you.”

Alex shook her head. She was racing with Supergirl on a gurney. Reign… Reign had thrown her sister off a building after pummelling Kara to within an inch of her life. Alex was running beside the gurney… her hands were shaking as she took vitals and she forced herself not to shake, not to shake because it was important. She was the foremost authority on all things Supergirl. She knew Kara best. She knew Kryptonian physiology and how to coax an impervious body to submit to treatment. She would save Kara.

“Alex…”

“I need to intubate.” Alex hissed out harshly. She could see the Legion of fucking USELESS people in her operating room. Why the fuck were they even here?

Alex was suddenly underwater. She thought of the things she would miss in life. Maggie would lose her. Alex… Alex would lose Kara. What would happen if she died? Who would protect her Kara? Alex would lose Kara and that was unacceptable.

She was drowning.

“Alex! Alex what’s wrong?”

Alex was drowning.

“No. No… Alex!” Kara’s voice grew urgent. “You’re alright. You held on.”

“I held on.” Alex blinked past the memory of her lying there on the ground, wet and shivering, half-drowned.

“Alex.” Kara touched her face, grounding her in touch, forcing her to look her in the eye. “Come on, Alex. let’s go flying!”

“We’re not supposed to.” Alex was a teenager again, long hair down her back, nervous, on the roof of their house.

“Come on, Alex. It’ll be so much fun.” Kara tugged her close again. Whispered good memories to Alex and lead her through the journey of her mind. Put it into order, created a path in the chaos until all Alex felt peace. Finally some semblance of peace as her mind quieted and landed on one memory. On the couch, just like now, Alex’s arms around Kara as she laughed at something Alex had said.

“Are you okay now, Alex?” Kara asked.

Alex let out a weak chuckle. “How come… everyone else didn’t get their mind fucked like this?”

“You’re not like other people. Not to me. You know everything about me, Alex. You erased yourself, too, and I shouldn’t have let you.”

“I would do anything for you, Kara.” Alex confessed. Her memories, all of them at once had made her see the truth. Nobody, nothing in this world, was more important to her than Kara. “I love you, Kara.”

“I love you, too.” Kara pressed her lips against Alex’s forehead. The spike of heat low in Alex’s gut made her flinch away.

“Alex.” Kara was blushing, fumbling with the blankets. “It’s… are you…”

“You not being my sister when I had my memory wiped,” Alex tried to make light of it, laughed it off a bit. The laugh came out stilted. “Made it… you’re… Kara. Supergirl is… she’s really attractive.”

“W-w-well…” Kara fidgeted with her glasses. She still had bruises around her eyes from her fight with her clone. “You were always attractive to me.”

“Um.” Alex didn’t know how to reply to that. She was bone tired suddenly. Cold, cold, cold. She was crashing from the stress of the memories. Just another layer of their relationship they had to work through. And Alex was exhausted from the emotional roller-coaster she was riding.

“I’m sorry.” Alex was sure she was slurring, but she wanted to get everything out. How Kara must have suffered when Alex had looked at Supergirl with suspicion and distrust. “I’m sorry I left you alone.”

Kara nodded, nodded and dipped her head to rest against Alex’s shoulder, breathing deeply. Alex leaned her head against Kara’s.

“I’m so sorry, Kara.”

Kara’s breathing hitched and she nodded and nodded, the stress of having the memory of her, ripped from Alex catching up to Kara. Alex had always been Kara’s confidante. Her rock, her steadfast. But losing her memories, Alex had taken that away from Kara. To protect Kara, she had hurt her. Left her truly alone without the one person who always knew her, and Alex had forced Kara to treat Alex as the enemy. Alex had taken Kara’s home away, taken away her safe place.

Little increments sacrificed for the necessity of Kara’s survival, but it had been horrible for the both of them. Even going through the debilitating symptoms of suddenly gaining all her memories, Alex didn’t know if put in the position again, would she choose to do it again? Rip herself from Kara.

Alex wrapped her arms around Kara, letting the Kryptonian’s naturally higher body-heat warm her to the core, sooth the coldness from her bones. Alex didn’t know the answer. What wouldn’t she do, including hurt Kara, to keep Kara safe? Alex closed her eyes wearily, the last thought before she blacked out from exhaustion was that she honestly couldn’t say.


End file.
